big girls don't cry

bummer. ive been such a mess this past few days... and that's all because of the news i heard last tuesday. damn! why do they have to tell me that? can't they see im finally moving on?!?!?!

or am i?

coz if i am, i wouldn't make this damn thing a big deal... aaaah!!!!! i want to shout... i want to shout right at him!!! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

i want to hit myself... what's going on with me? we may not have seen each other when he went home but i am still affected with his presence... i thought that not seeing him is a great thing to me... but it's not... it doesn't make any difference... im still affected...

i've been such a loner this week... gaping at nothing.. thinking of what to do if ever we see each other... shit! my friends have been telling me all the things that a friend could advice...

just ignore him, or busy yourself or don't ever have a moment where you can think of him... but those were all useless.... i just can't help him... i... i... [oh my god, will i really vomit this word?!?!?!] I STILL LOVE HIM!!!!!!

they've been telling me harsh words about reality.... they've been telling hurtful words that would make me hate him.... i even cried with all those things they said to me... but i can't feel any hatred towards him... i can't make myself hate him!!! why? oh why?

can you give me reasons to hate him?! please... please... please...

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massochists. yeah, i guess i am it. i've been spontaneously checking out his friendster profile... only to get hurt... tsk! seeing him with pics of his current gf... *sigh* it really hurts you know...

when we were still together, he kept on telling me that he really loved me... but he was the first one to recover... how is that huh?

my bestfriend told me that if he just used the girl to forget him, then that made him a worse person.... using a girl isn't just right. and posting his pics in his friendster then adding me? it's just one of the proofs for his vengeance over me since i was the one who broke up with him..
and she's got a point, ayt?

[note: this one is one of those "harsh" words they told me to hate him]

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i guess ill just try harder to forget him... i know, i know, i already said that... and i already promised that i will never ever post a blog about him ever again... but i just want an outlet to express all these things im feeling...

have you head the song "way back into love" in the songs and lyrics movie? there was a line like this:

trapped in the past where i just can't seem to move on...

then there is also a song of mymp titled "only reminds me of you":

i needed my freedom, that's what i thought but i was a fool to believe
my heart lied while you cried rivers of tears but i was too blind to see

yeah, these songs hit me big time.. but my answer?

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry

all i ever need is a reason to really hate him.. so i can finally move on...