hypothesis: rejected

i want you back. i need you. i am still inlove with you.

should i shot myself? yeah, i think i should.

after months of preparation for our foundation week...

after a week of observing myself, i have finally come to an undeniable conclusion.

I STILL LOVE HIM.

just like a forwarded quote of my friend:

i never stopped loving him. i just learned how to live without him.

i realized that last night, during our student's night.

i was expecting that he would really come at our campus to celebrate with us.

but he didn't. i was disappointed, yes. but not to the point that i would ruin my night.

it would have been fine for me if the operator didn't play "Your Love" as the 2nd sweet song.

i would have chose to yell those men. they didn't know how it affected me. even my friends didn't know that i cried that night. really cried. [yes, leng, and myang... i cried. i just didn't tell you coz i know you'll get mad. only tom knew this.]

ALL I EVER WISHED THAT NIGHT IS FOR US TO TALK. I AM NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING. I AM NOT EXPECTING THAT WE'LL BE TOGETHER AGAIN. ALL I EVER WANTED IS A PROPER CLOSURE. SO I CAN MOVE ON.

because when we broke up [march 29, 2007], it was just on the phone. and eversince, we didn't see each other again. oow, we had. that was when we had a parade some day on the first week of April. but eversince that day, never.

but then, if he really wanted to win me back, he would have talked to me during that parade. he should've find ways to talk to me. BUT HE DIDN'T. that's what makes it so bitter.

this is the whole story after the breakup [this was before the said parade]:

we still have communication that time. we texted a lot, telling me to take him again. i was actually planning to do so, but before doing that, we need to talk personally which at that time, i can't coz me and my family were everywhere [bukidnon to davao].

until one day, he stopped texting me. and my pride was the only thing that kept me from not txting him too. it was all that i have that time. and that was the end. after that, no news from him. not until he made a new friendster account and invited me and saw his pics with his girl.

if i was just bitchy girl, i would have done a lot of bitchy things that only i would suffer in the end. *sigh*

if i could just turn back the time, i wouldn't have been very impulsive. i was taken by my insecurities which wasnt really enough to break up with him.

lord, all i ever wanted is for us to talk. that's all. i only have tomorrow and i don't want to miss that chance. i heard he'll be back in cebu this sunday and ill be off to davao this sunday too. just a talk, please. and guess what day would be this sunday? it's OCTOBER 28, 2007. i am supposed to be celebrating that day with him. *sigh* i guess some things weren't just meant to be.

UAAP Cheerdance Competition [late post]

the lithe and blithe dancers were a sight to behold and the routines

were impeccably executed, albeit extemely difficult and risky.

having incorporated a theme to their routine, theirs was

a visual cacophany of timing,

coordination and agility, a sonorous esprit de corps,

a proberbially rocking and rolling the coliseum.

CONGRATULATIONS, UP!!!!!

- Inday, nanood ng UAAP Cheerdance dahil day off niya.

hahahaha! kala niyo kung ano noh? wahehehehe!

darn it!

just when i thought i was over that guy....

just when i thought i was able to know the word "love" again....

just when i thought i am finally starting to have a life...

i am, again, hurt by the feeling we called LOVE...

sometime during my sis' birthday:

rey: have you finally forgotten about your ex?

me: yeah, i guess so.

rey: what if someone will court you? will he have any hope?

me: hmm... i don't know. i guess no.

that was the time when i thought what i felt for him is just a joke. he was my friend for eight years, for crying out loud! i don't wanna ruin our friendship! and beside's i always have this principle that I WILL NEVER EVER FALL INLOVE FROM MY FRIEND'S EX-BOYFRIENDS. may it be a close friend or not.

and now, just when jason told me that he was really planning to court me, he texted me that he liked one of my friends. darn it! why do i have to say it to him the last time we talked? why can't i ever learn a lesson? why?! why?!

i never thought that i could be in this kind of situation. loving a friend. i always put it in my head that i would never ever fall for his charm coz i wanna be different. coz every girl are charmed by him. and i've been successfully doing that for the past eight years. and he's a certified playboy eversince. but why, oh why, just now?

i am so HURT. but then if he really courted me, am i really willing to take risk of our friendship? am i really ready to open my heart again? I DON'T KNOW.

a science experiment of a getting-over heart

problem: am i over him?

hypothesis: i guess...

materials: a broken heart a 'z' in my life

a cetified mathematician and an nspc qualifier artist

procedure: look for a cute guy around and observe what happens.

observation: i observe that im gradually [and finally] moving on. eversince classes started, i was always not on the state of mind. it seems like i can't see any guys around. every time i looked at them, i feel like im just looking at an alien. i don't seem to acknowledge the man's existence.

but this past few weeks, im starting to develop crushes. eversince i saw my long-time friend dance during those basketball tournament days. i've had a crush on him instantly! hahaha! and what's ironic about it, is i promised myself never to had a crush on that guy coz everybody's falling for him. and i can't believe im actually on this situation. hahaha! but then again, it's just a crush, isn't it? [he's the nspc qualifier artist]

and then, when i attended the division science fair last week, i saw this guy [who used to be my textmate last year]. wala lang. i just find him cute that day. plus the fact that he was a great mathematician. hehe! hey, i can have a math tutorial with him, right? what do you think? wahehe!

conclusion: i therefore conclude that im finally getting over that guy. though this study is still under observation coz i still wanna see him to clarify my feelings, im hoping that my hypothesis is correct. just a few more days to go and i'll finally see the results. foundation week is on the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

could he be...?

i had a dream. actually, i had this dream just last month. but i as i was daydreaming again this morning [hey, i told you im a daydreamer right?] i couldn't help but to remember this very significant dream of mine...

it all started when there was a troy-like war... yep, the kind of war that you see in the movies troy, lord of the rings, etc. and with all the costumes and props ha? i was leading the female group. and our nemesis, all boys. so basically, you can call it the war between man and woman.

but, the leader of the male batalion is a guy that i loved [no, it wasn't him. this guy's different okay? so stop groaning in there. =p]. it wasn't vocally said on my dream but i felt like it. and so we battled it out 'til the end. i couldn't actually remember who won. hello? it's almost two months since i dreamt about it! =)

okay, continue... after the war, the my companions and the other guy who survived went on as if nothing had happened. like it was just a play or something...you know what i mean? and so, we finally went home ridding in a van. inside, i was with my bestfriend, his boyfriend and him. my bestfriend's boyfriend who is also my guy's bestfriend kept on convincing him to finall tell him what he really feels for me. but my guy just said: no! you know that she's forbidden! she's our enemy for pete's sake! and then, he went out in the vehicle. [that time, we finally stopped in the beach. i don't know why we got in the beach when we're supposed to be 'going home']

then my bestfriend's guy sat beside me [still in the van] and started to tease me about him. i can't actually remember what he said but he teased me, im sure of it. i was just blushing and laughing like any woman would. and so, we went out at the vehicle.

he was there, in the shore standing authoritatively, with the sunset as his background. he was wearing a hawaiian shorts. and when i looked at the back of his shorts, there was a printed name: PHILIP.

and then i woke up.

i know someone who's name is philip. but in my dream, it's not the philip that i knew. he was different. he wasn't geeky and sloppy [like the philip that i knew]. he's the kind of guy that a romance writter would like to have as there heroes in their stories.

as i was saying this to my friend, they were all kilig and all that. saying that he might be the one.
of course, they also dreamt about the man of their dreams but there wasn't any name!

and so, i left him with so much jealousy...haha! kidding! but then, could he be the one...?

the year before

6/28/07:

a year ago, a girl tried to enter into a girl's life. he was one of those guys that she never expected to like her. but then, she was glad...

actually, she had a crush on him... way back when they were still campaigning for the student council organization. but she thought to herself: ow, c'mon! he's cute alright, but he's just one of those guys that you considered 'displays to please your eyes'. so wake up girl!

eventually, the girl finally forget about it. not because she was totally over with that guy but because of the hectic sched she could hardly take notice of the boys around the campus.

then one day, at one sunny day, he finally decided to confess to her. the school was celebrating the science fair at that time, she could still remember. she was busy with her investigatory project when suddenly, his barkada were starting to tease her about him. puzzled by what was happening, she continued on what she was doing.

before the day finally ended, he went up to her and started to have a converstation with her.

"so is it true that r*** is courting you?" he asked after awhile.

"yeah, but i already gave him my answer." the girl said, having a hint with what he was about to say.

"then i guess ill have no rival if i'll court you then." he said smiling.

the girl looked up to him and smiled.

[to be continued...]